The club weekend
Everyones set for a great club diving weekend, following a riotous Friday night celebrating their arrival. But the next morning throws up a few problems. Mike Ward is in charge

ÂÂÂÂ I need a pee but I cant remember where it is. I wish we hadnt got here so late last night.
ÂÂÂÂ I wish I hadnt had so much to drink, either. Four or five pints would have been enough. I really need that pee, Im going to have to get out of bed and find the loo.
ÂÂÂÂ Right, well, at least now I know I was on the top bunk, but fortunately nothing seems to be broken. Yes, Jim, thats right, I fell out of the top bunk. No, Jim, it isnt time to get up yet. And the same to you, old son, with brass bells on.
ÂÂÂÂ I think this is the loo. Nope. Try this one. Nope. Last try. If this isnt it, Im not sure I can wait any longer. It is. Bliss!
ÂÂÂÂ Except, its locked! Oh, come on! Its half past five in the blindin morning and the bathroom door is locked Whats that all about
ÂÂÂÂ Hang on, whats that Thank goodness, a toilet!
ÂÂÂÂ There, much better. Dont like the sound of the weather though, sounds a bit windy, and Im certain that was rain against the window. Oh, well, plenty of time, Im sure itll calm down.
ÂÂÂÂ Now, which room was I in, and how do I get back in the top bunk without waking Jim up again
ÂÂÂÂ Well, it certainly wasnt this room, but that bed hasnt been slept in. Itll do.
ÂÂÂÂ What time is it Its daylight, anyway. Seven. Time to be up and about. Time, in fact, that everyone was up and about. Come on, you lot, time to get up!
ÂÂÂÂ The same to you, again, Jim! And why is the bathroom still locked Come on out of there!
ÂÂÂÂ Morning all! Did we all sleep well Good job were in a B&B, none of you lot looks up to eating breakfast, let alone cooking it. Yes, I know, I feel as lousy as the rest of you, but its nothing a greasy fry-up wont cure.
hspace=5 ÂÂÂÂ Wheres Martin going Ah, yes, I see. Well, hear, really. It must have been the mention of the fry-up that did it.
ÂÂÂÂ Most of us seem to be here, anyway. Anyone seen Alice yet this morning Not since the kebab. Was the kebab before or after the pub I dunno which pub, how many did we go to
ÂÂÂÂ Tea! I might just survive the hangover if I get enough of it. Yes, Jim, I thought it sounded a bit windy earlier. Is there a radio or a telly so we can get a weather forecast Turn it on, then!
ÂÂÂÂ Force 5 or 6, rising 7 later with heavy rain and limited visibility. OK.
ÂÂÂÂ Let me see if Ive put it all together yet. Ive got a hangover, I dont remember much about last night except getting here really late. Martin is throwing up for England, and making far more noise about it than he needs to. Weve apparently lost one member of the party already and the weather forecast is crap.
ÂÂÂÂ It can only be a diving weekend.
ÂÂÂÂ What do you mean, the bathroom door is locked Why tell me Yes, I know Im dive marshal for the weekend, and I know I organised the trip, but youre a big lad now, Steve. Just bang on the door until whoever is inside gets the message.
ÂÂÂÂ Actually, as long as you just go away and leave me alone until Ive had another two mugs of tea, I dont care what you do. I really wish I hadnt had so much beer last night.
ÂÂÂÂ You have been banging on the door I thought that was my head. Lets have a look at the lock, then. Good, we can open it from the outside.
ÂÂÂÂ At least that answers the question about Alice. No way am I going in there. Sharon, front and centre, I think Alice may welcome being woken by another woman.
ÂÂÂÂ What was she drinking I value my brain cells too much to drink Depth Charges.
ÂÂÂÂ Welcome back, Martin. Feeling better
ÂÂÂÂ Ahhh, breakfast. Extra fried bread for me, please. And Ill have that one as well. Martin wont want it when he gets back.
ÂÂÂÂ Hello, Alice. It is Alice, isnt it Bit difficult to tell, what with the mascara having run and your knuckles brushing the ground that way.
ÂÂÂÂ Bit like talking to a panda. A bad-tempered panda. Now, now, Alice, it wasnt me that got you onto Depth Charges. Just eat your breakfast like a good girl!
ÂÂÂÂ Right then, time to be off to the marina.
ÂÂÂÂ I beg your pardon, Dave Yes, I did indeed hear the weather forecast. Yes, it was indeed force 5 to 6, 7 later, and heavy rain. And no, it wont be nice diving in that lot.
ÂÂÂÂ Let me explain it to you. We paid a dive-charter skipper up front, which means that if we dont turn up he says we cancelled the booking and we dont get our money back.
ÂÂÂÂ Of course, we do get our money back if he cancels due to bad weather, but unless we pass Noah loading animals onto the ark, or a comet strike raises a freak tidal wave that extinguishes all life as we know it, that just isnt going to happen, so just get your kit together like a good lad, and put it in the back of the van.
ÂÂÂÂ And here we are. Blimey, Ive never seen waves breaking over the jetty before. And it looks really lumpy out there. Really, really lumpy. I really, really wish I hadnt had so much to drink last night.
ÂÂÂÂ Morning, skipper. Weather looks a bit rough to me.
ÂÂÂÂ You know a place where the headlands provides shelter when the wind is blowing from the north-west What a surprise. And is the wind in fact blowing from the north-west Near enough. Another surprise. And youre confident that you can provide us with a day packed to the brim with excellent diving Surprise number three.
ÂÂÂÂ Wed best get our kit loaded, then.
 The one real benefit of being dive marshal is that I get to stand in the cubby with the skipper. Not a bad old soul, really, and the teas good and hot. By Ôeck, though, but its raining out there.
ÂÂÂÂ Wow! I thought you said you knew a sheltered spot You do, weve just got to cross the bay to get to it And how long will it take to get across As long as that, eh Good job Im in here nice and warm and dry, then, not out there.
ÂÂÂÂ Tell me, skipper, should the water be coming across the back deck like that And how far can the boat roll before she wont self-right Shes a converted lifeboat Oh well, not to worry, then.
ÂÂÂÂ What was it you wanted, Jim Skipper says well be in the shelter of the headland very soon now. No, Im not opening the door, not when its raining like it is, youll just have to read my lips. What was that about Martin Hes not very well
ÂÂÂÂ None of us are very well this morning, old son, tell him to stop being such an old woman and shut up. This is proper British diving, this is.
ÂÂÂÂ Hows Alice doing She afraid shes going to die Could you ask her to do it quietly, then
ÂÂÂÂ Thanks, skipper, another tea would be lovely. Milk but no sugar, please.
ÂÂÂÂ You were quite right, it isnt anywhere near as rough over here. Ill just poke my head out and see that everyone is OK. Its important that the team are kept happy.
ÂÂÂÂ Well, no need to be like that about it. Im going to be out in the wind and the rain with the rest of you soon enough.
ÂÂÂÂ What are we diving here, skip You tell me and Ill brief the boys and girls.
ÂÂÂÂ OK, everyone. Youve all seen that the weather is a bit rough, but the skipper has found us a site regardless.
ÂÂÂÂ What is it Its a nice little reef. Yes, I know we booked to dive wrecks, but take a look back across the bay. We really dont want to be out there diving in that lot, do we No, so the nice little reef it is. Maximum depth about 5m.
ÂÂÂÂ I know it isnt very deep, but frankly I dont think either Martin or Alice would be safe snorkelling in the bath today, let alone doing a deep dive. And if we were going any deeper, Id feel duty bound to dive with one of em, and that would mean one of the rest of you diving with the other. Any volunteers Thought not. So the nice shallow little reef it is, OK
ÂÂÂÂ Start getting kitted up, time to go diving! Alice, you take Martin with you. No sense putting anybody else at risk.
ÂÂÂÂ At last, my turn! Oh, wonderful. The bottom is so stirred up I cant see my hand in front of my face. Buddy diving be damned, this is a hand-holding job.
ÂÂÂÂ Best plan is to just bimble around for a bit, then hope like hell we surface close enough to the boat for it to look respectable.
ÂÂÂÂ About now should do it. Are we still going up I know weve left the bottom, but I cant tell if were going up, down or sideways. I cant decide if its the hangover or the viz. I wish I hadnt had so much to drink last night.
ÂÂÂÂ Ah, we were going up, and so steadily that my computer hasnt even bleeped. Mind you, we only just got deep enough for it to turn on. All three contacts have to be wet at the same time. And were exactly beside the boat, what a result!
ÂÂÂÂ Oh, thank you so very much, Martin! Never mind, itll wash off, Im amazed youve anything left to heave.
ÂÂÂÂ How are we doing, all back aboard safe and sound We are My word! And hows Alice Shes afraid shes going to live, and shes never drinking again. I know just how she feels.
ÂÂÂÂ Whats the weather doing Rising to 7 with extra rain. Well, cant say we werent warned.
ÂÂÂÂ What do you reckon for the second dive, skipper Back across the bay and into another sheltered little reef in 5m How did I know you were going to say that And why didnt we just go there first thing this morning and save ourselves the thumping we got crossing over the first time
ÂÂÂÂ No, forget it, it sounds like the perfect plan. At least well be closer to the jetty, so well be off the boat a bit quicker. The way I feel today, the faster were back on dry land the better.
ÂÂÂÂ Well those were a couple of dives to forget. Never mind, well all feel a lot better when were in the pub. Your shout, Alice.

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